For almost 15 years you were in my life. For almost 15 years almost everything was “we.” For almost 15 years our friends were intertwined, our lives were one. For 15 years the decisions we made were together. But you made it so that is no longer so.
For the first time in almost 15 years it is no longer “we” but “me.” For the first time in almost 15 years, when friends are getting together I no longer say, “WE will be there” and now I say, “It’ll be ME.” For the frist time in almost 15 years I only have one schedule to keep track of.
I’m still getting used to it. I’m still adjusting to it just being me and not we. Part of me feels out of place when a dinner is planned and it’s just me. I’m not sure how the dynamic works when I get together with friends and it’s just me. I’ve never been a fan of odd numbers, and yet now I’m the odd one out. I’m always afraid I’m throwing off the seating or the arrangements or the partnering up when I’m saying, “you can count on me.”
But, it’s also just ME. I can say I’m coming over for coffee this morning, because it’s just me. I can say I’ll come out to California to run a race, because it’s just me. I can decide to have only cheese and crackers for dinner, because it’s just me. I can go out of town for a weekend, because it’s just me. I can get a paddle board and enjoy it when my schedule allows because it’s just me. I can meet friends for dinner because it’s just me. I can stay up at night reading because it’s just me.
While I’m still not used to it being me instead of we, I’m getting there. I’m finding the joy in it being me. I’m embracing new opportunities that come up because it’s just me. If I can’t do something because money is tight, then it’s up to me. If I want to say yes to something, then I can because it’s just me. It’s hard to get used to something that’s no longer there after 15 years. It’s not easy to change the path I was on to this new one. It’s up to ME.