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It Doesn’t Stop Being Difficult

I’m lost and I’m not sure how to find myself. I’m lost and I’m not sure where the search should begin. I feel myself spiraling again. I feel myself disappearing again. The darkness overwhelmes.

There’s distance between us….except when there isn’t. A single interaction can drag me back down. A single look still has the ability to cut right through me. The lack of consideration. The condescention. No matter how hard I try, they can still make me feel small.

How is it possible that I still have tears left to cry? How is it possible that the numbness hasn’t taken over? How is it possible that the weight on my chest doesn’t seem to lift? How do I avoid the darkness yawning wide in front of me, behind me, below me?

Sometimes I don’t know if I can keep going. I don’t know if I can keep doing this. In the far reaches of my mind, I know that I can. But I feel so numb. I feel so sad and lost.

There is an uneasiness that won’t seem to go away. I give in to it and find that I lack motivation to do anything. I give in to it and time seems to slip away. There is an emptiness that sometimes still aches. There is a feeling of simply floating without purpose. It’s hard to remember what it is that I’m supposed to do.

I don’t know how long I will feel this way. I want it to stop. But when I feel myself spiraling, I don’t know how to reverse the course. I want to feel whole…but I don’t know what that means. I keep searching for the light, but it seems to hide behind the clouds. I try to feel the lightness of happiness, but the weight of emptiness pulls me back down. I try to hold on to the strength I know is withing, but I feel so weak the more I try.

So much time has passed already, but the unknowing makes it hard. So much time to try to understand, but it doesn’t stop being difficult.


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