“I guess we get a divorce.”
Those six words, uttered while sitting in the marriage counselors office, are forever burned into my memory. Those words – words that could never be taken back – marked the turning point. I knew then that I had lost him – no matter how long I held out hope; no matter how long I thought it could be different, that we could move past the indiscretions; no matter that I felt my world shatter around me.
Those six words led to me sitting where I am today: a person marked by these events in my life. Those six words led to many (too many to count) interactions with the lawyer’s office. Those six words led to me going from marriage counseling to individual therapy. Those six words led me to reexamining my life, my worth, my interests, my passions. Those six words led me to taking steps that I never thought would be necessary, but became absolutely so.
As necessary as those steps became, it never changed the sorrow that I felt at the loss of the life I thought I was building. As necessary as those steps became, it never changed the sadness I felt (and still feel) when I think about what could have been, what was, what will never be.
Divorce. I still feel a clenching in my gut when I think about that word. I still feel a churning in my soul when I realize that this is my reality. I still feel my heart break when I think of all that has been lost. A word I never thought would be mine to claim.
A chapter that I didn’t know would be included in my life story has been written. A chapter that will come to a close as I write my new one – necessary steps. A chapter that will reflect the changes from we to me.