I haven’t written anything since the divorce was finalized. I thought my mind would be overflowing. I thought my mind would have more to say than I knew what to do with. On some levels this has been true. But on some other levels, it’s like I’ve had nothing more to say.
I think some of this has to do with the fact that the actual process in the court is so anticlimactic. The actual process of divorce involves a lot (and I do mean a lot) of waiting: you wait to hear back from lawyers, you wait for paperwork to be filed, you wait to see if your significant other still loves you and not the person they left you for, you wait to see what direction your life is going to take, you wait and you wait and you wait.
And then the day comes when there is no more waiting. The day comes when the judge wants you on the stand. The day comes and then it’s over – one minute you’re still married and the next you’re not. The marriage that you entered into with such excitement and fanfare is over with the signing of a paper…it’s over with a thud, but not an audible thud – it’s only in your heart.
So there becomes the question of “now what?”
What happens now that this thing that has consumed my life for the past two years is over? What happens now that it’s clear there’s no more fighting for what once was? What happens now that I am truly, and officially, alone?
I think that’s why I haven’t written anything. I haven’t been able to find the words because I don’t know the answers to the questions yet. I am still rediscovering what my life is now. I am still rediscovering who I am. I am still rediscovering what I want to do, where I want to go, and who is going to be there with me through this part of the journey.
I’ve been rediscovering who I am and it’s so much more than just the signing of the paper. That paper also stated that I was going back to my maiden name. That paper meant that my identity completely changes. My identity changed in a moment.
So what does that mean? What does that feel like? What does that look like? I’m still not sure – I feel like there are more questions than answers.
There are more questions than answers, but these questions don’t scare me in the same way the old ones did. These questions bring hope because I can create any life that I choose. These questions bring excitement becuase I can face the unknown with the knowledge that I will make it through. These questions allow for new adventures…my life truly has become a “choose your own adventure” story.
So I’m rediscovering myself. I’m rediscovering my voice. I’m rediscovering every piece of me…and in the process, I’m having the time of my life.