I hadn’t felt the need to write as much lately. I hadn’t given much thought to where “we” were…actually, that’s a lie – it’s been about a year since the divorce has been finalized but so much longer since we separated. And yet, I find myself thinking so often.
But today it hit me differently. Today I was looking through my documents for something – I can’t even remember what it was anymore – and I came across the notes and writings I made as we were going through couples therapy and after I had found out about the affair.
The first document I read, I didn’t even recognize the person who was writing those words. She didn’t feel like me anymore. I don’t remember what she was thinking and feeling when she created those sentences.
The second document I read, each one of my entries was dated (because of course it was) and were usually written right after a therapy session as part of the “homework” to be completed before the next week. It started to hit me then, all of the feelings – the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the loss…
I started to recognize the person writing those words – I could feel the ghost of her standing behind me as I read the words printed black and white on my screen.
The third document is what left me light-headed. Reading the words, they weren’t created because someone told me to. No, these were written out of pure, raw emotion…and I knew then that I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t return to feeling that way again.
I know my new chapter has begun, and in so many ways I have embraced it. But there are still so many things I need to work my way through and around to fully become the woman I know I am going to be. I don’t want to forget the person that I was – her pain, her hurt, her love has made me who I am today. I also don’t want to keep being her though – I need to learn how to trust better, I need to learn that not everyone is going to hurt me. But even if I do get hurt again, it will be okay because I know that I am strong enough to learn again.
What I can’t keep doing though is drifting along….that ends today.