Un-niversary

Today is my wedding anniversary. Legally, technically, still on paper I am married. Today I have been married for 10 years.

On this day, 10 years ago, I stood in front of hundreds of family and friends (literally) in the church I was raised in and married my husband. On this day, 10 years ago, I was living the day I never knew I had dreamed of. On this day, 10 years ago, I danced and laughed and celebrated with the man I thought was my best friend – the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Now fast forward…

Today, for the second time, I am recognizing this day alone while he is with his girlfriend. Not how I pictured our 10-year anniversary when I was planning my wedding. Today, for the second time, I am trying to redefine this day. Today, I am once again trying to redefine my life and the role I play. Today, I still have to remind myself at times to take a deep breath and to not let the memories suffocate me. Today, I let my heart break for what could have been but isn’t.

It’s amazing how time works. A year ago I was still reeling from being separated. I was still numb from finding out about the affair. I was still holding out hope that he would change his mind and choose me. Time is a fickle thing – one moment it feels like the minutes are speeding by; one moment the seconds seem to last forever. There are moments that I feel as though I’ve been here forever and there are moments I feel as though I am just starting over.

10 years is not simply a blip in time. 10 years holds weight and sometimes that weight threatens to drag you down.

This year, I don’t need to look at pictures to see our wedding in my mind – it’s all still so clear. This year, I am not disillusioned as to the direction of my life – I am no longer holding out hope for him to choose me, but I do have hope in the future. This year, I am looking back to learn how to move forward.

10 years. I wonder where I will be 10 years from now…